A Personal Post

As a lot of you know, Zack and I have decided to spend the summer with our families in Utah. It’s been a tough couple of weeks and we feel like we need to go home and spend some time with loved ones. Two weeks ago, Zack and I went for our first prenatal appointment, only to find out that our little fetus had no heartbeat.

This is a really tough post for me to write, but I feel like I need to write it. This is obviously a very tender subject and something that I haven’t shared with many people. However, I think that writing can be therapeutic and I would hope that if anyone who reads this is going through or has gone through something similar they will find comfort or strength in my story.

About half way through January I was sitting in church with Zack and I had this really strong impression that I was pregnant. I told Zack and he was just sort of like yeah right. He didn’t think much of it. Over the next two weeks it was on my mind constantly. Sure enough, I woke up one morning and my period was late. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. We were ecstatic. We were so excited. Thinking about the fact that we were creating life was overwhelming. I felt so lucky, so blessed to be carrying a child. We didn’t share it with many people because we wanted to wait until I was in my second trimester.

Having an older sister and mom who had each gone through miscarriages, and growing up with an OB/GYN for a father, the fear of losing my baby was very real. The day after we found out I was pregnant, I was lying in bed and I was just incredibly anxious. I finally fell asleep, only to wake up with a start a few hours later. As I lay in bed I felt very strongly that this child would be a healthy and strong baby. I just felt like it was a very special spirit. This brought me a lot of comfort over the next couple of weeks.

We started looking into doctors, but we were having a lot of trouble deciding on one. Plus, we had a lot of complications with our insurances. One night, I was about nine weeks along, I was walking in to go to bed and I had a very distinct feel that I had lost the baby. I told Zack and he told me not to worry, that it was normal for me to be afraid or anxious about that kind of thing. I felt a little better, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t pregnant anymore.

Obviously, after that I felt like we needed to see a doctor ASAP. I wanted to put my fears to rest and just see our sweet baby growing. Finally we picked a doctor, and scheduled an appointment. I was almost 11 weeks along when we went in. I remember sitting in the parking lot feeling completely overwhelmed. I was scared, stressed, and anxious, but excited. I was excited that we could possibly go in there and see a perfectly healthy baby, beating heart and all.  We decided to say a prayer before we went in and I remember asking the Lord that we would understand His will for us, and for this child.

We met with the doctor first and I felt so sure that we had picked the right doctor. I was grateful that we hadn’t chosen a doctor until we found her. She started to do my ultrasound and both Zack and I were brought to tears as we saw this beautiful little child. We saw its tiny nose, its legs, and arms. I was speechless. I could not believe that Zack and I had a part in creating this beautiful little being. I was mesmerized trying to memorize every detail of our baby. Then I realized our doctor had been quiet for too long, something was obviously wrong. Finally, I asked if something was wrong. She showed us where the heart was and explained that we should be seeing and hearing it beat. The silence was suddenly so deafening. I was staring at that baby willing its heart to start beating. It didn’t happen. I looked over at my sweet husband and we both just wept.

As I sat in this chair with my legs in stir-ups I felt so much sadness, so much sorrow. I didn’t want to believe that this baby, who had consumed my thoughts all day every day, was no longer growing. She told us that the baby measured at nine weeks. The miscarriage must have happened when the fetus was nine weeks, precisely when I had felt the loss. The doctor talked us through our options and we made a plan to have a D&C and she left us to have some time alone.

We didn’t say much. We both just sat in silence trying to absorb the news. Even though I had a hint that it was coming, it didn’t numb the pain. Once I allowed myself to relax and think straight, I remembered the spiritual confirmations I had over the last few months. Suddenly it became completely clear to me that I had not lost that child. While the physical body of that fetus was no longer living and growing, the spirit that belongs to it is not lost. I felt completely positive that I would get to have that child. The thought that came to me was this baby was not lost, but simply postponed. Those tender mercies I had throughout my pregnancy, I thought they were to reassure me and quiet my fears, but I believe they were given so that in this moment, as I realized this pregnancy was over I could draw strength in knowing the Lord had a plan for this child.

While the sadness was heavy, I felt great relief in knowing that there would come a day when I can hug and kiss that sweet baby. I don’t know if I’ll get it in this life, or if it will be waiting for me on the other side, but I felt its spirit and I knew that it was both a child of ours and a child of God.

Zack and I have talked about trying again, and we aren’t discouraged by this. We received a lot of comfort in talking with those who had been down this road, most of which have had beautiful children since. We know that we will have a big wonderful family and we cannot wait for that day. But, in the mean time we feel like it is important for us to go home to Utah and allow ourselves some time to heal.

We obviously had to share the bad news with those who knew I was pregnant. This may have been the hardest part. However, there are no words to describe the outpouring of love we felt. We were truly lifted and edified by the prayers that were offered in our behalf. I have never felt so certain that I was being blessed because of the love others had for us. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends who brought us meals and came just to visit. Seriously, nothing can heal a broken heart the way laughter does.

Now that it’s been a couple weeks and I can talk about it without erupting into hysteria, I contemplate what gave me the strength to get out of bed in the mornings and continue on. It would have been understandable for me to feel hopeless, downcast, and miserable, but something kept me going. I believe that other than the prayers of our family and friends, there were two things that got me through.

The first is God’s beautiful Plan of Happiness. My testimony of eternal families made this traumatic experience into something I can grow from. The fact that I knew where this sweet spirit came from and that I would see it again brought me great comfort. This fundamental part of our church is one that I’ve never been more grateful for. If you’re reading this and wondering what I’m talking about please go to http://mormon.org/plan-of-happiness/ . A testimony of this plan has brought joy into my heart during one of the hardest trials I’ve experienced.

The second is the greatest gift we have each been given. I know that it was through my Savior’s atonement that I was able to overcome this sorrow. Not only did he suffer for our sins, but he felt our joys and our sorrows, our successes and our failures, our pains and our afflictions. It was through his grace that I was given strength beyond anything I have ever felt. I endured something that I believed would be unbearable.

I cannot say enough about how grateful I am to have a testimony of a loving Father in heaven that has a plan for me and my family. I am grateful to have the love and support of so many friends and family members. You have all been an incredible blessing to us over the last few weeks.

We look forward to being with our families and catching up with old friends this summer. There are so many wonderful things happening in our families that this summer is bound to be full of joy. Thank you for reading and I hope that something I said can touch each of you. We love you all so much!

Mahalo!

Sally